Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
