i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
