Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize