Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
