my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize