MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
