every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
