It's Friday. Sex?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
