he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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