not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
