Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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