dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
