i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
