And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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