I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
