Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
