How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
