A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
