I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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