she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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