I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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