Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
