Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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