My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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