im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
