please come you make the beer taste better
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
