Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
