im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
