I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize