So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It's never too late to be topless.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
