So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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