so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
