this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
