i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
