I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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