So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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