i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
