Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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