I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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