who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
