dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
