The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
