So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
third nipple confirmed
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
