my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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