So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
