Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
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