I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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