Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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