i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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