you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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