Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
