She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize