Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
