there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Randomize
