I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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