I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I currently don't understand fingers.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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