I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
