the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
