true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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