If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
