Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
