it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
