If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
