So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
