your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize